If you thought 2023 was crap, think again!

 After a day trying to recover a server with a failed raid array there is only one way to relax and that is by reviewing the latest CGC entry. First impressions are good, the intro screen has restrained use of colour (no flash) and fairly clear instructions. After pressing Enter the good impressions continue. First and foremost is the beautiful representation of a crane, the letters appear in the squares at the bottom with appropriate beeps. Error checking appears in order. So far not too crap at all. It is only once you start to play properly that the true crapness of the game gets revealed and due to the effort Equinox has put into this, I won't ruin it by saying any more. Technical Ability - 55% Written in BASIC, but that is pretty much to be expected. Colour is used to a pleasing effect and sound  is used well. Though there is no loading screen, the game doesn't really need one. That crane is a masterpiece. Achievement - 95% This game is very deliberately crap, though it d...

This is a diving-themed game. There's no way you would know that, of course. There is nothing in the gameplay or the visuals to suggest anything water related. Is there something fishy going on here? No. Playing it as a purely abstract game then, it plays like this : Your little UDG character moves around in 4 directions and can shoot. There are 3 circles moving left to right, which can be shot. ( Unless the collision detection fails ) You score points by shooting the circles. The number of points scored depends on mysterious factors. The game ends if you shoot all the circles. You don't get points for the final circle. That seems like a bug. All the while, a uppercase D moves around in 4 directions sort of randomly. Your little character dies if the D touches him. ( Unless the collision detection fails ) There is a time limit. The collision detection is terrible, and it isn't much fun. BUT! Look! Literal moments of effort on display here. The elaborate splash screen has ...

Unrelated Introduction The Rosetta Stone is inscribed with three versions of a decree issued in 196 BC during the Ptolemaic dynasty of Egypt, on behalf of King Ptolemy V Epiphanes. The top and middle texts are in Ancient Egyptian using hieroglyphic and Demotic scripts, respectively, while the bottom is in Ancient Greek. The decree has only minor differences across the three versions, making the Rosetta Stone key to deciphering the Egyptian scripts. Now if you were going to make a spectrum basic game based on the Rosetta stone, just imagine how many user defined graphics you would need for the hieroglyphs. Loads! Even modern languages can require a suite of UGD to represent all the letter types not found the the UK alphabet. The actual game So this limitation is perhaps why Dave Hughes decided to take a slightly simplified approach with his game LinguaFranKEYS, which has nothing to do with the Rosetta Stone. This is a game where you have to learn the words for up, down, left, right, p...

 The email accompanying this entry promises a thrilling rally game. " Take on the desert in DESERT RALLY, an 80s-style game with simple "O" and "P" controls. Dodge cacti and camels in a clunky car that’s more grit than glamour, in a 12-direction driving challenge that’s as unforgiving as it is addictive." Like the previous entry from ZX Kerl we have a range of cassette covers And a poster which adds to the promise of a bare-knuckle ride through the perils of the desert. The only real question is how does the game measure up to the promise of the marketing materials? For a start there is no loading screen which is a pity I would love to see a Grongy take on either of the cassette covers. Instead the game loads straight into the instructions for play with a tasteful choice of colours. For some reason there is a prompt to enter a Level, though nothing to tell me what this is for. Left to my own devices I enter 'One' which instantly throws 2 Variable n...

 This game starts with green text on a black background, with the single word 'WHY?', instantly this brings back the words of the infamous Agent Smith. “Why, Mr. Anderson?, Why, why?.Why do you do it? Why, why get up?. Why keep fighting?.Do you believe you're fighting...for something?. For more than your survival?.Can you tell me what it is?.Do you even know?; Is it freedom?, Or truth?.Perhaps peace?. Could it be for love?" The intro to the games throws out even more why questions. WHY is there a grid falling from the skies onto the city of  St Scar Taspringyassyar Lakebar? WHY are there strange monsters running down the grid and killing everyone? WHY has someone completely unqualified as a heavy gunner like yourself been chosen to defend the place? WHY are you even reading what an ascii chicken is saying? The question about why has someone completely unqualified been chosen was particularly apt as I started the game without paying attention to the keyboard layout (O, ...

 The email with this entry opens confidently declaring "Hello, This is the winning entry for the CSSCGC 2024!" At this point, I wonder if I should even bother to do a review or just end the contest here. To save protests about rigged results and stolen competitions I'll load it up and check if it is in fact the winning entry. Like all Firelord productions, it comes with a vast manual and other paperwork which will be included in the download for your pleasure. Promises made by the promotional blurb include "- **Epic Showdowns**: Challenge your friends or the unpredictable Spectrum in a battle of wits and libations! Can you outdrink your buddy without going overboard? Only one way to find out! - **Educational & Fun**: Learn about drinks from around the world while developing your strategic skills. Who knew gaming could be so enlightening? (Disclaimer: May not actually improve your drinking skills!) - **Vibrant Retro Graphics**: Immerse yourself in a colourful, nos...