Crap Games Competition 5024c - The Simulator Adventure - Firelord

 When I won the dubious pleasure of being this year's C.S.S.C.G.C judge I was aware that no matter how big my feet are I was stepping into some big boots. I wished that someone had compiled an instruction manual containing the vast wisdom of judges past. Failing a manual, then a training simulator would have been a vast help. 

The old adage "nature abhors a vacuum" holds true and has driven Firelord to fill the required void with another quality product. For all who have entered this year or intend to enter beware, because one of you will be sat in my seat next year. Not my physical seat, but the metaphorical red leather Chesterfield with the comfortable hollow in the seat cushion formed by years of weighty posteriors. All of you need to download this product and get training.

Unlike many entries, this one arrived with a comprehensive manual which is reproduced at the end of this review. But let's get into this thing.

Like any truly professional piece of software, the simulator eschews all the distracting bells and whistles. There is no loading screen, just a jump into the action.

The opening screen has a pleasing use of colour to highlight the necessary information. I like the feature proofing of the product title Crap Games Competition 5024. If only Microsoft had enough marketing nous to follow such an example, then we could still be using products like Windows 5095, 5098, Next Millennium, etc.

A slight issue that the intro screen doesn't have a flashing PRESS ANYKEY prompt to help you proceed, the manual also doesn't mention any need to press keys. Being a professional I managed to work out what was needed. For a seasoned simulator user, this shouldn't be too big a hurdle, but it would have been a pleasing addition for newcomers to the scene.

Instantly you are presented with an extensive list of Judges to choose from, 

The list is bang up to date with myself and the worthy JBizzel listed for 2024. The ability to play myself and compare the accuracy of the simulator against my own inside knowledge is irresistible. Before I do so I note that there is the ability to play GOD in 5024 and a curious entry for 17. Also the player is helpfully prompted to enter the year number.

I am presented with stats about my selected judge

Like any RPG it contains basic stats, since my Alcohol Tolerance seems reasonably high I should be safe to consume more while judging without my performance being impaired. Again for a newcomer it would be good for all the 3 letter abbreviations to be explained in the manual, but I will overlook this as there is a prompt to press any key. I assume I will be cast into the thick of judging and already I can feel my palms beginning to sweat.

Sadly the image doesn't capture the pleasing use of  FLASH. However, the choice of game to judge captures the standard of game entries very well. The act of judging is perhaps a little simplified with the player being asked to enter a score. However, I accept that no simulator can capture every complex little detail, even flight simulators simplify the terrain a little. This can clearly be seen in the publicity shot for Microsoft Flight Simulator below.

Again for a newcomer it might be pleasing to inform them of the scoring range, is it 1-10 or 1-100, etc. Never mind as I am the Judge I can choose the rating and therefore score the game 534 points.

Now this is where the quality of the product dips. The manual clearly states that there are no bugs, everything is a feature. However, as soon as I enter a score the simulator throws me back to the beginning. Intrigued I apply my advanced hacking skills and press break. Instantly I am prepared for a challenge as the comments indicate hidden coding and advanced programming techniques. As a true Judge I am not deterred.

After deploying my hidden code detector I find what appears to be a "Feature".

C appears to be a variable that keeps count of the number of games you have judged. Line 1960 tells the program to go to line 9 which restarts everything and as line 91 sets C to 1, you are stuck in an endless loop of selecting a new judge and judging game number 1, over and over. This is either a (dare I say it) bug, or a very clever feature replicating the tedium of judging.

To test my theory I changed line 1960 to GO TO 92. After doing this I got a chance to review 10 games before choosing a winner.

The Simulator stops after choosing a winner, just as it should do. After all in real life, the judging stops after choosing a winner. However, there are clear instructions for a newcomer on how to endure it all again by typing RUN and ENTER.

Now to put my judging hat on for real.

Technical Ability -24%

There is a lot of typing gone into making this simulator and keeping it updated. However despite the author's attempted to pull the wool over the judge's eyes it is clearly all written in BASIC and contains at least one glaring bug. I would be tempted to say the following code is also a bug.

My maths isn't perfect but 4010 doesn't equal 5024.

Achievement - 50%

The game is crap but pleasingly tongue-in-cheek crap. The manual adds to the overall enjoyment of the product.

Fun - 15%

Did I replay? Yes. Not because the game was fun, but because the bug kept me looping forever. 

Crap Factor - 75%

Despite the effort that has gone into the extensive list of judges and the weighty manual, the game achieves a definite Firelord quality of crapiness.

Roundup

Pros -

• The manual.
• Um....

Cons -

• Having to play it to replay it forever.

Remember I play these games so you don't have to. Should you play this game I bear no responsibility for your mental health afterwards. Should the warnings not be enough you can download and play it here.

Da manual:

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|    Crap Games Competition 5024c - The Simulator Adventure  |

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Preface.

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In an age where technology allows for unparalleled training experiences, we find ourselves benefiting from a plethora of accurate simulators for various professions. From the immersive landscapes of Microsoft Flight Simulator that train pilots, to detailed medical simulations that prepare future surgeons, these virtual worlds provide invaluable insights and hands-on expertise.

Yet, there is one niche that remains grossly underserved: the art of judging crap games. Enter the Crap Game Judging Simulator—a groundbreaking tool designed to equip aspiring judges with the skills and knowledge necessary to discern the merit (or lack thereof) in low-quality games.

Imagine a platform where future judges can immerse themselves in the hilariously chaotic world of poorly constructed levels, clunky mechanics, and rigged controls—all in a safe, controlled environment. This simulator not only hones critical analytical skills, but it also fosters a sense of humor, emphasizing the notion that sometimes it’s not about perfection, but about the experience.

By supporting and promoting the Crap Game Judging Simulator, we are paving the way for a new generation of judges who can appreciate the unique artistry behind these creations while providing constructive feedback. Let’s embrace this innovative journey and elevate the realm of gaming critique together! Thank you.

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Introduction.

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This is the sequel from the award winning game "Crap Games Competition 2008 - The Adventure" that won the CCSCG Competitions of 2008 and 2009. However, due to the influence of the Illuminati, the Masons, and other secret societies, other games were announced as the winners for those years.

(Note: This is NOTE a complete copy of the prequel's manual. A lot of effort has been in creating this HUGE manual for this AWESOME Simulator game)

Have you ever wondered how it feels to be a judge in the CSSCGC?

Now live the thrills of being a judge in the CSSCGC from the safety of your home without being scared of being lynched by the agry fans.

This is a RPG game where you control different characters in order to judge entries of different years.

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Instructions:

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By selecting a year/judge you select different types of gameplay.

Each different judge have different skills (Inteligence, Charm, Strength ,Agility, Charisma ,Mental Hit Points (Mental health), Alcohol Tolerance , Drug Endurance  & Crap Awareness).

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Main features :

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-Realistic descriptions of the games!!

-The judge algorithm is the most advanced ever written (even more advance that the 2008,2009 and 2011 versions).

-A team of professional judges were hired just to make sure that the rules are implemented perfectly & the game is realistic!

-RPG style game as each Judge has its own unique characteristics & can make his own unique decisions.

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Requirements:

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-A spectrum.

-Two spectrums [optional] if you want to play side-by-side with a friend!

-Three spectrums [optional] if you want to play side-by-side with two of your friends!

-Paid electrical bills - so you have the electricity to power your machines.

-TV(s)/Monitor(s) to plug your spectrum(s)

-Furnitures suitable to place your zx spectrum(s) and to sit (chairs preferably)

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Known Bugs:

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-None. All are features!

-When he is small,Ant-Man could be considered a bug, a known bug!

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What people & entities have to say about this game* :

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Blood 1996,1997 - “It's so calm and uneventful, I’m beginning to think it might just cure my insomnia. A dream come true!”

Barry Salter 1998 - “You know, just when you think it can’t get any less exciting, it finds a way! Truly a masterpiece of monotony.”

Alistair Nelson & Graham Goring 1999 - “If you’re looking for a game that gives you plenty of time to contemplate the meaning of life, this is it! Perfect for deep thoughts.”

Graham Goring 2000 - “I’ve never felt such a profound stillness while gaming! It’s like a Zen garden, without the rakes.”

Adam D. Moss 2001 - “This isn’t just a game; it’s a lifestyle choice for those who embrace the quietude of gaming.”

Paul Equinox Collins 2002 - “Why rush through thrills when you can slowly relish in the serene ennui? Five stars for making time stand still.”

Dave the Lurker 2003 - “This game gracefully reminds you that there’s beauty in boredom. Bravo!”

Jim Langmead 2004 - “A perfectly crafted way to enhance your daydreaming skills. Who needs excitement?”

Starglider 2005 - “This game is like a long, relaxing walk in an empty park—serenity guaranteed!”

Matt Rudge 2006 - “A magnificent showcase of how little can happen in such a large digital universe. Truly inspiring!”

Chris Young & Phillip Lake 2007 - “Every minute spent playing feels like an eternity of relaxation. If only all games could be this chill!”

Digital Prawn 2008 - “It’s not just a game, it’s an experience—an experience that could lead to meditative states of boredom.”

Guesser 2009 - “It’s like watching paint dry, but in a way that feels oddly satisfying. A relaxing retreat from reality!”

BloodBaz 2010 - “Who needs fast-paced action when you can nurture your patience with this wonderfully uneventful gem?”

The Mojon Twins (Spain) 2011 - “I never knew time could stretch this much! The ultimate in life simulation—experience nothing, worry less!”

Arda 2012 - “A breathtaking journey into the mundane! You might even find time to start a new hobby while playing!”

R-Tape 2013 - “This game has really outdone itself in the art of waiting. It’s not about winning; it’s about savoring every second of inaction!”

MykeP 2014 - “This could be the perfect cure for the fast-paced world. Finally, a game where nothing happens!”

Lee Prince 2015 - “If you were hoping for breathtaking strategies, think again! This one excels in tranquil tedium.”

Gabriele Amore (Italy) / Simon M. Ferre 2016 - “This game proves that slowing down can sometimes be the most rewarding experience of all.”

GReW 2017 - “Every moment feels like a gentle lullaby, guiding you toward a blissful state of boredom!”

Shaun Bebbington 2018 - “Finally, a game that allows you to check your emails and contemplate life while it runs in the background!”

John Connolly 2020 - “A refreshing approach to gaming—let’s take some time to appreciate the stillness and grace of inaction!”

Jim Waterman 2021 - “If you enjoy spaced-out moments with not a lot happening, you’ve found your paradise. Bravo on the blissfully empty experience!”

uglifruit 2022 - “It’s like finding a too-comfortable chair in a quiet room. Why would you want anything else?”

Jbizzel 2023 - “A magnificent showcase of the less exciting side of gaming—where nothing happens, and everything is okay!”

Ed Toovey, JBizzel, 2024 - “This game has really perfected the art of doing very little. Who knew boredom could also be a work of art?”

* Most quotes were generated from AI because I was too busy and would not bother findring the real persons!

Also, we (tried to) contact those non-judges persons/entities:

Clive Sinclair - He gave me Amstrad's mail so , I contacted Amstrad.

Amstrad - We don't know anything ... What is a spectrum? Can we enter your Crap competition? We can win!

GOD - God contacted me in my sleep and told me that I will forget what he said after I woke up...

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Hints

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-All stats are important, but some are more significant than others. For example, Alcohol Tolerance and Drug Endurance are more important for a CSSCGC judge than Intelligence!

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Troubleshooting

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Our company policy does not allow shooting when there is trouble.

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(C) Firelord 2024