One of the requirements for a crap game surely has to be a great name, one that instils a frisson of excitement and a sense of wonder as to what it will herald. This game has such a name, move over Ant Attack here comes Sloth Attack.
The accompanying email adds to that level of promise
"Anyway to this Spectrum game. It's all quite simple. You control a character who's sole need for survival is to avoid a sloth. A rampaging, murderous sloth that kills on contact. And it is hell bent on doing so. Fortunately it's a sloth, and it's slow. But it's constantly out to get you. It's probably on cocaine or something because it never goes to sleep. "
Now if this is paired with excellent graphics, kickass music and unmissable gameplay play this game will be a winner.
It begins with a simple intro explaining the content of the game. All framed with a pretty leafy border.
So far, so good. Unfortunately, there isn't any intro music, but still a chance for excellent graphics and unmissable gameplay.
Pressing anykey takes us into the game. I can't honestly say the graphics are excellent, but they are okay. You are represented by a long-necked avatar which reminds me of an old school friend.
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| You |
The Sloth however is a masterpiece, it has that friendly slightly dopey expression which makes them such loveable creatures.
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| The Sloth |
The overall effect is marred by the violent flashing of the graphics as they move. This has the annoying side effect of me not being able to grab a screen containing both player and sloth at the same time. Cue conspiracy theories that if they don't appear at the same time they are one and the same being. So okay graphics.
So down to gameplay. The moment the game starts the sloth makes a beeline for you. It makes a thumping noise as it moves. This becomes more high-pitched as it gets closer. Since it is so slow it is fairly easy to move away. The longer you avoid the sloth the more your score climbs. The pressure is increased with messages like "The sloth lies in wait", "The sloth has seen you" and "RUN! HE IS BESIDE YOU". So far, so good. Very soon the truth dawns that this is the entirety of the gameplay. You get no pause, endlessly moving out of range of the sloth. The is no winning, just delaying the inevitable moment when ennui sets in and you willingly sacrifice yourself to the sloth to end the mind-numbing boredom of it all.
You are rewarded with a flashing border and random noises. After this, if you have sent a new high score you are asked to enter your name for posterity.
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| You need to score over 1000 points to beat Big Clive |
I had thought waiting for an orb to flash was bad enough, endlessly circling a square playing area and avoiding an unstoppable sloth is far, far worse. Though it has a high score to beat, the thought of actually playing again to beat it sends chills down my spine.
Technical Ability -75%
77 lines of BASIC with a pleasing use of UDGs. Unlike some previous efforts bound checking is in place so you don't leave the game play area. The flashing graphics give a slightly Rubbarb and Custard feel, but somehow fit the game.
I particularly like line 400 REM ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE FOR SLOTH. The level of AI in here isn't going to cause Chat GPT to sweat.
Achievement - 95%
The goal is to write a crap game, goal scored. The title has promise, the UDG sloth is cute, there is gameplay, and the whole thing is mind-numbingly boring.
Fun - 0.5%
Nope, there is less fun contained within this game, than alcohol in a Seedlip gin.
Crap Factor - 90%
Despite the effort involved in designing the UDGs and competent coding, the overall result is crap.
Roundup
Pros -
- The sloth
- Sound effects
- High score
- Proper QAOP key layout
Cons -
- Having to play it for more than 10 seconds
Remember I play these games so you don't have to. Should you play this game I bear no responsibility for your mental health afterwards. Should the warnings not be enough you can download and play it
here.
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