Not Very Advanced Snakemower Simulator - Equinox

 I have a snake game, I have a lawnmower simulator, Uh, Snakemower Simulator (not very advanced).

 Hot on the Heels of Word Crane we have a new entry from Equinox, N.V.A.S.S a blending of an old favourite reptile-based game and the infamous April Fool that started this whole sorry mess. In order for no one to feel left out this simulator runs on anything from the humble 16K upwards and opens with a wide gamut of colours and beeps.


There is also the offer to redefine keys, some offers you can't refuse, this one you have to. Once passed that we have the unorthodox key map of Q,A,O,Enter.

Not shown here, but FLASH is used a little too widely,

After that, we are into the simulator itself. In lieu of nice UDGs the snake's head is represented by a copyright sign which not only flashes but also changes colour which leaves a randomly flashy trail behind it to serve as a body. At the bottom of the screen is the amount of grass you need to, um, mow. Each move is accompanied by a pleasant beeping.


Direction changes are far from snappy, in the original game of Snake this would be a major issue causing collisions with the walls and certain death. Such worry is removed here, hitting a wall results in a low beep and your snake waiting patiently for you to choose a new direction. The only worry left to you is hitting your own body, even this doesn't result in death, just an annoying continual beeping until you manage to manoeuvre your way back out which can take a while and you don't always exit where you expect.


By midgame, the whole thing becomes a serious assault on the senses. But if you get far enough you achieve the ability to take on the bonus challenge.

Yes I did cheat

Can anyone achieve this final goal?


As for me, I'm going to play PIKOTARO - PPAP on repeat, it is a far better experience.

Technical Ability - 10%

Basic BASIC.

Achievement - 90%

As a crap game, it has ticked almost all the boxes:

Annoying use of FLASH - CHECK!
Annoying use of sound - CHECK!
Carpal tunnel inducing key layout - CHECK!
Deliberate 'bugs' - CHECK!
Increased desire to listen to Vogon poetry - CHECK!

Fun - 0.0004%

No, just no.

Crap Factor - 85%

Why up there on the stinky peaks of Crap Mountain.


Remember I play these games so you don't have to. Should you play this game I bear no responsibility for your mental health afterwards. Should the warnings not be enough you can download and play it here.






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